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Friday, February 08, 2008
The day I realized I was alone I was walking confidently when I bumped to you You smiled at me and took my hand.. Leaving the road I should've taken.. Breathing was almost impossible without you.. A life time supply I thought was mine and now will all soon slip away.. I'll let it slip away so that the cut won't thrust deeper... let it slip away to blow the final pain and to let the final and last tears burst... As I let go of the hand who had stolen me from the road I should've taken I realized I was alone Alone and lost indeed and don't know how to travel back to the road I should've taken.. A pit of regret is where I found myself trapped... A dignity I sacrificed to travel back the road.. to spend my lifetime finding my way back.. But then, sweet failure... befall onto me... Upon realizing that the path I left was now locked.. never for me to enter again.. all the regrets had flown off my shoulders.. Had I not sacrificed a lifetime, would I be able to know that I am now unwanted? That I am now almost forgotten? I'd rather take the risk to do something I want for the sake of knowing the truth than to die with regret still on my side for not doing something I really want. exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Friday, February 08, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
sorry I was born Have you ever felt the feeling when you wished that you have never been born?...I often wish that they didn't injected something on my mom so that I would die before being born.. It feels like I dont have a place I belong anymore... my mom would go back to UAE for her work there on 20 (I wish she can support na my studies this time).. yea how I wish.. but she can't do it alone coz of my stupid father... haha my goody goody good for nothing father who called me last time telling me that he'll let my half sister study in LaSalle Taft.. Duh?! he didn't even bother to give a single cent for my studies... then he'll tell me that he would be able to enroll my sister to Lasalle taft.. Oh how I envy her.. call me envy ~_~ But I hate him and his new family... I wanted to change our landline number so that he'll leave me alone and die. This coming vacation I might as well leave the country to apply as a working student there(with my mom) ... I don't have the guts to ask for a single cent from my grandma anymore... sometimes nahihiya na rin ako kumain ng mga bigay niya.. I can't take this kind of life anymore... I have too many burdens to have the space to give love or feel loved.. My grandmother told me to break up with my bf because she can now see what future I would have with him.. Why would she tell me that? don't I have the right to fall inlove just because she is the one who payed every bill for me?... My grandmother is a very influential person to me. Upon hearing what she told me I don;t know anymore if I still have the feelings for him..My vision is clouded with tears last night.. I think I still do... A fading feeling for him perhaps. A can foretell an incoming tearful sayonara... I'd kill my self anytime now if I have the courage.. yes.. the fucking courage... starve me to death. T_T why am I even alive... exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
well then.. sayonara.. you have been watashi no okazarisu... kimi ga koishii.. kore wa itai... demo, sayonara.. Okazarisu- High and mighty color "Memories I piled up, love I locked away, but now I’m letting it all go I don’t know how much I cried Ah, I’ve remembered, ah, I feel like crying, hold me more than before Please touch me. Come close to me. I cannot feel your love Sweet, sweet kisses, painful, painful greed Tell me why. So tell me, why? It was those days when I dreamed of being able to let someone in Ah, I’m sure, ah, I’ll cry and scream more than before Please look at me. Come close to me. I cannot feel your love. Sweet, sweet hugs, painful, painful pretences of being strong Tell me why. So tell me, why? Sweet, sweet kisses, painful, painful greed I remember that satisfaction.
kore wa itaku nai.. itaku nai desu? ne wakaru desho? demo... sayonara. exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Friday, December 21, 2007
my heroine- silverstein.... the drugs begin to peak A smile of joy arrives in me But sedation changes to panic and nausea And breath starts to shorten And heartbeats pound softer. You wont try to save me You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate. You taught my heart A sense I never knew I had I can't forget The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth How do you do it? You're my heroine. You won't leave me alone Chisel my heart out of stone I give in everytime. I bet you laugh At the thought of me thinking for myself (myself) I bet you believe (bet you believe) That I'm better off without you than someone else Your face arrives again All hope I had becomes surreal But under your cover's More torture than pleasure And just past your lips There's more anger than laughter Not now or forever will I ever change you I know that to go on I'll break you, my habit I will save myself. exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Friday, December 21, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
may the truth set me free
So here I am, and everything's new
I close my eyes hoping that all d mistakes that I've done would just be undone... A trip back to the past will do.. maybe it'll be better if he never even told me about it.. I chose to let go not because I dont care at all.. I chose to let go to make it less complicated.. he can never correct my foolish and childish ways...and I hate it... I hate his failure and I feel stupid and lost. I know I should be happy and that's what I have been pretending ever since... exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Monday, December 17, 2007
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Hataw Hanep Hero.. =3 when we got there at the venue I almost killed him for being late, arggh ang haba ng queue!!! T___T I lost my hope that I would be able to register myself at the cos comp.. haha.. til finally I get to be the first to but ticket (since the line of the girls and boys are separated, kaya anlayo ni shi) so after buying the tixs I went outside (again, yea) to find him.. weee I thought I was so close, but when we got inside (shit ang haba ng pilahan sa registration ng cosplayers T_____T) whew.. after finally regist'ring.. I got to wear my costume (wee dami nag papapix =3) haha, d ako mkaupo XD dami papix (im not boasting haha.. totoo) It felt good being the only one with that kind of costume (rogue) haha.. unique.. (since dami magkakapreho) pero nkaakconscious coz... I dunno what I looked like sa pix na knuha nla T___T I didn't expect to win.. I was after the experience... and I admit... all my efforts in creating the costume was worth it.. and It won;t be the last ^_^ exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Sunday, December 02, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Hero con ;_; huhu.. few days to go and it'll be the Hataw Hanep Hero 3 T_T I won;t deny tha I am nervous.. there is no turning back.. my costume is ready, I just wish that the audience and the judges won't notice that it is my 1st tym to join a cosplay contest.. grrr....^,..,^ exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Saturday, November 24, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
rosuto ai....
anata no amai kuchizuke ga koishii desu.... anata ga nimo koishii .. watashi no rosuto ai.... exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Monday, November 19, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
let me narrate my story here since no one cares to listen.. I never had the will to live.. Even when I was inside the womb... I kept on forcing my way out.. not wanting to live.. but I was drugged to live.. I was drugged.. Injections.. medications.. painful.. I grew up without a dad and a mom on my side.. only my guardians looked after me.. when I was a kid I was so happy because tita was there who took mom's place.. I never felt orphaned then, nor abandoned. They bought me everything I wanted... I was the center of attention then, I was drunk with love, attention and nurture when I was a kid..I never play with other kids outside.. I always felt isolated.. But as the time passed by.. my mom beared another child.. I hated her for that.. I asked myself why I felt so jealous everytime I saw my new brother with new cool stuffs (off course given by my mom), I felt so jealous even though I get everything I wanted from my guardians... It felt so different when your real mom is the one who gave you stuff... rather than being spoiled by your guardians.. Time passed by and my mom's siblings beared their own daughters.. I felt so left out.. left with my guardians with one question left in my head.. "Where are my real parents? Is she really my mom? She doesn't act like I am her daughter.." As I grew up.. my situation seem to feel awkward for me.. I started to feel so affected by what and where I am right now.. I feel like I am such a burden to my guardians.. That is why I don't want to live...I wanted to die but I am too weak to do so,.. I never wanted to live but they forced me to live. They wanted me to live because they were too excited to have a baby..They never thought about my future.. all they cared about was their present... How about the future of the kid whom they forced to live? and now.. this is my future... watashi no otosan.... why does it seem like he wanted to run away from me? Am I a painful reminder of what had happened to them back then? after abandoning me.. our former maid saw him at the fast food area... gave our contact number saying 'what kind of dad are you, face your responsibility as a father to her' and now he came back.. But I know that taking me back to his custody isn't his own will.. napipilitan lang siya, nraramdaman ko yun.. even until now.. He was given another chance to make it up to me pero d niya pinapahalagahan yon.. I was abandoned the second time around... I guess... the dream of having a father-daugher dance on my debut party is just a fucking dream.. never to come true since I am already 18 ~_~ And.. yea.. I feel empty.. that is why I kept on searching for someone to gratify this emptiness I feel.. I am searching for a reason to live.. since I am forced to play a game called life.. exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
doshite? you've been visiting me in my dreams? why??? T_T kore wa keigoku desu ka? exorcism013 wrote his/her thoughts @ Thursday, October 25, 2007
The Writer
I am the torn... and I am despair... caught between dream and reality.. I am your worst nightmare.. every immature minded's mistake and I am unwanted,.. The Saint of the broken... î I need company since I am always in pain... î Do you know what it feels like to be alone? î Do you know the feeling of losing the will to live? î Countless suicide attempts that failed...I have attempted to kill myself even before I was born.. î Don't speak like you know what it feels like to be a ghost î Dive with my on my way down ;_; î Pull me up if you could, I might as well pull you downwards ;_; I am as hopeless as what he bare eyes could see T_T •being alone feels like no one would care to search for your body even if you commit suicide in a dark alley• call me hitori... Soul mates
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